The Person Who No Longer Is

John Mayer hit a chord within me a few years back. The release of Heartbreak Warfare immediately skyrocketed the song to the top of my favourites by him, and to be honest, that is not an easy thing to do when the song is more pop than the bluesy ballads that he normally brings to the stage.

The song resonates with me, not in the same way as his lyrics point to. I mean it doesn’t sit as a romance that is falling to pieces and destruction is looming close by. For me I see it aimed more towards friends and family, those who are locked inside their own little fairytales and not noticing the damage and heartbreak they have been leaving behind for decades.

If you read the past two posts you would know how my year has started off, sure it is life, and tragedy, heartbreak and pain is common ground. So no special treatments are needed, but still, we all need time to deal. Death affects us all in many ways, and depending on who it was we could be a laughing mess living in denial or we could be curled up in a ball crying as Netflix cancels yet another show.

I put in for holidays, I was screaming internally day and night. No escape from the troubles at work and the endless dramas that inflict all those with young children. Yes, your life is going to end because I told you no more television tonight, seriously five-year-old girls do my head in. I hadn’t been on my little retreat (stay at home and do nothing) for more than a few days when my messenger lit up. A message, or more so a group message between myself and two brothers. Initiated by the eldest, one whom I hadn’t had contact with in over a long time, I believe the last time we saw each other was at his wedding back in 2016.

I was busy at the time, hanging out with a group of dad’s who meet weekly with the kids to let off steam and allow the wives freedom. A perfect start for many of them early on a Sunday morning. The message at a quick glance was to ask about email addresses. I continued on my way, There is always some reason why I get contacted, most of the time it is based around his needs. The history there between us go back a long time and just too much to just state here right now so let us go back a few years.

My daughter had just been born, My older brother came by the hospital to congratulate us on our precious little girl, not interested in having children of his own I was surprised with his attendance. A promise of being a good uncle to my daughter was exchanged, and he attended a few events, but that has been it. Fast forward to his wedding, before leaving I, was pulled aside and noted that his new wife, couldn’t have children. A fact that I was already aware of, it also paved the way to why he decided to marry again, well that was the belief being spread around. I was instructed to not invite her to the baby shower of our second child if we were to have one, she would be quite upset about not being able to share in the joys of bearing a child.

Now I nodded, informed my wife whilst, remembering all those young children that attended the ceremony, those I believe she teaches. I also noted that a few of her close friends within the reception were pregnant and she was quite happy hanging around with them. You see my older brother likes to manipulate situations, he plays games and believes that he is smarter for the way he plays them. The issue is I see right through them, in fact, I let him continue to do it. Why? you will see.

A feud broke out not long after their wedding, I drove my parents to the wedding, and with the walk, since the wedding had to be in the city, we made it just in time. This meant that even though we were there, he needed to reprimand my mother, his step-mother (who by the way raised him from a young age). Over the years he has tried to separate me from my mother to side against her. I have my past issues but in the end, my issues are mine, not hers or his. I made my peace and made it so my children would have access to their grandparents even if times get hard.

Forgetting to say happy birthday to me a year here or there won’t bother me, but when he decided to ignore my father, that hit everyone. I have learned, being a father, that although I do things in what I believe to be the best choices for my kids, that I mess up. Something we don’t understand when we are young, dumb and in my case full of rum. Plus I like to play games if you skip my birthday be sure to know I will skip yours too, and I’ll do it with a smile.

My son was born, April first in 2017. A little joker, after the dramas with social media leaks with our daughter and the fact that the day was one that is filled with pranks we didn’t say anything, only to the parents. Sure we had people feel they were hard done by even butt-hurt that they weren’t included but it is our child and those same people have been there less than a count on one hand. One by one the siblings congratulated us on our healthy boy, and like clockwork not one from the oldest brother.

In fact not once, no likes on Facebook with any posts in which my son is in. Complete ignorance of a child over petty insecurity, one could believe it is due to the heartbreak of not being a true bearer of the last name we carry. Either way, I let go of that drama, I believe like the meme I once saw, “Be sure to tell my kid who you are to them because I will not.”

I arrive home from the meet-up and see another message, one that stated an email was sent to an account that hasn’t been used in years. Why did he need to inform us anything by email, what couldn’t be said over the communicative application we were currently using? I later called my mother to find out what the big secretive messaging was all about as my younger brother was out of a reception zone.

The reply left me fuming, did he really have the gall to try and get glorification? My eyes filled with rage, my heart still torn from the loss, a loss that although not in his direct line of the family. but in those who raised him, those that took him into their arms. A scent strong of hatred came wafting in the wind, sending me down a dark spiral.

You see it is a low play when you won’t acknowledge someone’s child, especially when he is nearing two. Yet you want recognition and congratulations on what is seemingly a miracle. A notice to everyone that your wife, who couldn’t get pregnant, who was to stay clear of only my children, has now gotten pregnant. I responded later, asking what he would like us to say, leaving it just like that. Apparently, his memory is short, cause he acts like he wondered if he offended me.

My emotions were already on edge since I had little to no time to spend writing I was struggling to control them. Having the past few weeks off even though the past few days have been due to sickness, has helped to bring that anger over, work and this drama, and the heartbreak of loss to almost a close. One where a new year of changes will be happening not all good and not all bad but the changes will be there.

Just as John Mayer says
“No one really ever wins, in heartbreak warfare.”

Till next time, Keep smiling

The Stubborn Australian

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8 thoughts on “The Person Who No Longer Is

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  1. Well, let’s hope things settle now. Blimey, what a year! I know these types that play games and manipulate my family is like that. My mother is one of them. 93;years old now though, with emohysema, but oh boy, she can still cayse havoc in the family. I really hope you can have some oeace now. Glad we don’t have them damned spiders in England! Mindnyou, we do call our mother athe Dragon!

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