Like the tide rising I feel it coming, the heart starts to pound louder and what seems like a never ending cloud takes over my mind. Depression, the most hurtful thing to the human race in my opinion anyway. I turn on the music to try and sway the changes in my mood, but I know it is too little too late.
The storm rolling inside of me feels stronger than any cyclone or hurricane that can inhabit this earth, though the damage will not be broadcast worldwide. Internally it is like world has finally come to the end, just a pile of death and destruction run by the evil one and all I can do is wait for a Saviour to come. I try to fight through so I can finish what I want to do, but it just ends up feeling as if I have leaped of a ledge and the ground is coming up fast.
This battle within has been going on since I was a teenager, at the time finding out why I could go from being happy to being in complete despair was impossible. I didn’t have complete access to the internet and when I did I wasn’t going to go searching in case others found out. My internal sufferings were exactly that, mine. For me as I got older the swings got worse but I was able to find some triggers, but usually by then it is too late.
It is in the early hours of the morning as I write this, and I am feeling it smashing me around as if I were mere seaweed being endless dumped upon the cliffs face by the on coming waves. It is just another restless night, I felt it coming a week earlier and like always, I let it consume me. I used to take medication to help reduce the severity of the depression, but the effects were bad, I became numb, a soulless being walking around as if cast in the Walking Dead. I was lucky, I had no kids back then. I try to think what my kids would be like if I wasn’t so pro-active with them. Kids: Come on Dad lets play Me: Ah Ahhh Ah. Them running around and me half arsed with my arms outstretched, if I lived in America I would be shot, “It’s a zombie apocalypse” would be the last thing I would hear.
Living with a mental disorder is so hard at times. Especially when you are married or have kids, they just don’t understand. I keep it hidden from my wife as much as I can, or that I believe I am, she doesn’t say much to indicate that she knows if she does. They don’t need to know, well that is what I think. I don’t curl in a ball and cry, or plead for compassion on my dying mortality because, let’s face it when you are depressed you feel like the world is against you and you should just end your miserable self loathing life for the sake of all of mankind. But that could be further from the truth.
I try! Seriously I do, I have to. If I don’t get my ass out of bed even with the few hours sleep and go to work, do what needs to be done there and then come home and TRY to be the father and husband I need to be for my family, then I know it has won. I might as well just fall down and sob. I learned that our mind is a powerful weapon, when we use it right. I just have to keep pushing through, even now with this overwhelming sense of loneliness, an emptiness deep within that is imploring me to fill it with what ever I can to feel whole again or to just give up and let go.
If I can say one thing, don’t give up! There is always a better tomorrow it may not seem that way at the moment but in time you will get there.
Till next time keep smiling,
The Stubborn Australian